appeared in Night at the Museum with
appeared in Meet the Parents with
Robert de Niro
appeared in The Score with
appeared in Fight Club with
appeared in Sleepers with
Subject: счастливый светский праздничный сезон, товарищи!
Greetings, decadent Western Papists. Comrade Tadich here, wishing you a productive secular day of enjoyment. May you drink much vodka and meet all your industrial production targets for the current Five Year Plan.
As usual, I will be spending the day of your repugnant saviour's birth toiling steadily at the Televised Information Dissemination Plant #3314. Do not spare a thought for me, as I labour happily for the good of the republic. I am told by my local soviet that if I exceed my output rating, I qualify for a voucher to receive a new colour television with a vertical hold dial!
Although I cannot be with you for your disgusting imperialist orgy of consumption, I have been informed by my sector kompromat that travel documents have been issued in my name to the Toronto oblast for Jan 30 to Feb 8. I expect to see you all during that period for at least one drink and a confession of who is wrecking the Byelorussian grain quota on pain of testicular electrocution.
Death to Spies!
You want to stop?
I always want to stop.
We have to be more careful. I have to be more careful.
We'll stop. Okay?
We just have to find a place.
So when are you going to talk to me again?
I'm talking now.
Are you sure?
Josh: Intelligence says neighbours in [war-torn country] Kundu are sleeping in each others houses.
Charlie: What does that mean?
Josh: It means they're making people in the same house rape each other on the promise that their lives will be spared.
Charlie: Okay.Inauguration Part I, Season 4
Laurie: You want to buy me a drink?
Sam: I have to say, that sounded very professional to me.
Laurie: Shut up.
Sam: Okay.Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc, Season 1
Leo [yelling]: The numbers [are] inflated all to hell. It's 150, not 1,000.
Secretary: And that's acceptable to you, in Kundu?
Leo: I don't know what you mean when you say 'in Kundu'. [pause, realisation dawns] Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Secretary [as he storms out]: Go to hell.
Leo [shouting, in voice both angry and weirdly geeky]: Okay.Inauguration Part I, season 4
[Toby re-enters the room where the President is sitting to give him a quick briefing before the next satellite link-up interview begins.]
Bartlet: Okay what?
Toby: Nothing, I just meant, you know, okay.
Man: They're back from commercial in 20 seconds.
Toby: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Saudi Arabia bad.
Toby: Saudi Arabia very bad.
Bartlet: Why are you smiling?
Toby [ironically]: Happiness is my default position.
Bartlet: Okay.The US Poet Laureate, Season 3
Patrick Garratt: What happened when you needed to go to the toilet?
Marwan Elgamal: There was a bin around the corner. I just did it in there.
Marwan Elgamal: It does appeal to me, but not as much as Zelda. I grew up with Zelda and it's my favourite game. I need Zelda.
Marwan Elgamal: I got to try out Twilight Princess and it's tailor-made. It works so well. It attracts me so much.
Patrick Garratt: You don't want to play Twilight Princess on GameCube?
Marwan Elgamal: I'm going to get Twilight Princess for GameCube but I'm going to leave it sealed because I'm collecting all the Zelda games.
The Nintendo Wii's out today. Get one of those instead.
- £11 sends six chickens to an impoverished area where they can heighten the disease risk and severely damage the immediate environment
- £125 provides a pair of goats - animals known to cause desertification, thereby reducing the amount of farmland available to local people
- £750 sends a cow, who will drink up to 90 litres of the villagers' water every single day
"The meteorite is the source of the light,
And the meteor's just what we see;
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee.
And the meteorite's just what causes the light,
And the meteor's how it's perceived;
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void, that lies quiet in offering to thee."
Media 'too self-referential', say media
The media is too self-referential, according to an article published in The Telegraph on Wednesday. Media insiders told The Goldmine that the media had gone too far: "There are a ridiculously high number of media news stories about the media in the media," said one. The media reported itself to be unhappy about the comments.
Only a fool would argue that [Long Blondes singer Kate] Jackson - smart, sexy and chic - isn't the coolest pop star around right now. And if they did, she'd eat them for breakfast.Looks like Jackson, who finds herself at No.7, will be heading over to NME Towers to do some breakfast-time fool-eating.
"She may well close down whatever Batchelor’s Hall that you are keeping at present and throw out all of your catamites and gouty port bottles. Alas, this has certainly happened to this young squire."
"Exactly the thing the West End has been waiting for" The Observer
"It is its own strange small thing. Which could be exactly the thing the West End has been waiting for."
I was at the recording of Bankrobber. Me and my mate Pete Garner were walking down Granby Road in the middle of Manchester one day and we could hear these drums coming through the walls. Pete was a proper Clash fan and he was convinced it was them. Then Topper Headon walks out on to the street right in front of us!
He invited us downstairs into the studio to see what was going on. Mikey Dread was there and we got chatting. They were dead cool. Joe Strummer was sitting in the corner with a big, wide-brimmed hat on beneath this big grandfather clock, clicking his fingers in time to it. Paul Simonon asked us what our favourite film was and then said [affects authentic west London drawl]: 'Mine's Death Race 2000!' Funny, the things you remember. Afterwards, we showed Johnny Green, their tour manager, the way to the record shop and he bought two copies of London Calling - one for each of us. I'll never forget it.
"With All the King's Men, in which there was a little bit of nudity, I thought, 'Well, that's it; my nudity days are over... Then I read the script of Little Children and thought, 'This is really good, but there's lots of nudity in it.' I knew the film wouldn't work if those scenes weren't there though.'"
My smoking habit vacillates rapidly between controlled abstinence and wild excess. I'm like a top sprinter who never does any exercise: most of the time I don't 'train' (smoke) at all, but I'm always conscious there's a 'race' (big night out / awkward social occasion) looming, in which I'll suddenly find myself warming up (fishing a cigarette lighter out of the drawer), putting my special running shoes on (going to the shop to buy ten Marlboro Lights) and competing on a world stage (smoking a lot of cigarettes in a short space of time). Of course, before the big races that I compete in actually take place, I occasionally think of doing some practice (having the odd fag) and the thought does excite me a little. But it's usually only the presence of other long-time fellow athletes (friends who I've always shared a cigarette break with) who make me want to get back in shape (give myself lung cancer).
Went to a Nike focus group last night. Heads of Nike Europe watched us from a balcony. They were not impressed with me. Rich's brother organised it. Afterwards he told me: "They wanted some rocawear-loving rude men. Instead they got you clowns. If I ran Nike Europe and I flew in from Amsterdam to listen to you tell him that his new sportswear range looked like Alan Partridge in Flashdance and I'd paid couple of grand for the privilege, I'd be pissed off too."
My memories of Saturday night are dreamlike and muddled, and still – even this late in the game - dripping back into my head. I got to a house party at around midnight. And after that, I'm remember these things happening:
Actually, scratch that last one, it seems far too unlikely. But what's going on? Whenever I go out properly these days, I have nights that turn weird. It's great! Here's one. And here's another (from an email to housemate Jamie):
My Akira the Don interview all went a bit gonzo, and turned into a surreal Shoreditch drinking session. I can remember joining him behind the decks to tell him that Meatloaf's Bat out of Hell made me cry once, and some girl asking me what my star-sign was, and a band whose singer looked like Garth Marenghi, and the guy who ran the record label drawling "there's free tequila at the bar". Oh, and someone smacking me with some mini bondage whip as I left. But there's still much haziness. And Akira kept introducing me to people as 'William' because I’d said I had a special affinity to the Smiths' song William, It Was Really Nothing.
Gervais: Now, at the Conservative Party conference a few years ago, you made a rousing speech, saying that if Labour banned foxhunting, you'd leave the country. You did leave, but now you're back. Isn't that hypocritical?
Martin: I just came back to get some stuff. To get my hunting gear. I came back to get two guns and a knife.