Para/Olympix

Olympicballs

"There is just no drama here at the moment."
As the Beijing games finishes, Sky News sends a reporter to London's Olympic stadium building site.

Tonight on BBC2: The Cup

"The move was essential," says gynaecologist Dr Kaskar, explaining why he had to relocate to the North-West. "There are more vaginas in Bolton." Read more...

Boxing clever

In other boxing news (ahem), could this advert - from a Ricky Hatton fan website - be the most badly-targeted in the history of the internet?

Football in mouth

I was OOO yesterday having all sorts of crazy fun in Leeds, so I didn't have a chance to write something cliched and boring about how rubbish England are at football, following their defeat to Croatia in the Euro 2008 qualifiers.

It was all very depressing, but commentator John Motson considerably cheered me up after the final whistle when he hilariously combined doomy summary with a ridiculous last spurt of optimism: "England are out of the European Championships... Unless Andora score in the next four minutes!"

Seconds later it was back to the pundits, with gloommeister Alan Hansen suggesting that the match was "definitely a low point in English history". He's right: the first day of the Somme, the arrival of the Black Death in England and the Amritsar Massacre really did pale into insignificance.

If you Jose so

Every newspaper in the Christendom is weeping over the departure of Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho. And every newspaper has knocked up a box containing his best quotes, usually beginning with the famous "special one" announcement.

Jose's special talent (apart from, like, the football stuff) is to make lengthy everyday analogies seem lofty, epic and of supreme importance. My favourite is this little beauty, in which our hero discusses why he didn't spend in the January 2007 transfer window, despite major injury problems amongst his players:

"It is like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But I am content because the blanket is cashmere. It is no ordinary blanket."

Fist pump

The Guardian's GBG (Game By Game) coverage of Tim Henman’s second round Wimbledon match today was excellent, mainly thanks to the discussions on the subject of Henners’ famous celebratory fist pump. Here are the highlights:

"For Facebookers," writes Robert Kerrigan, "There's a group for An Appreciation of the Henman Fist Pump." There are currently 54 members - let's see if we can't hit the big six-zero.

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"Surely it is more a fist hold than fist pump?" questions Nick Donovan. But that would imply that, while he is clenching his right fist, his left hand is taking the weight of said other hand, no? I do agree that "pump" is an unacceptable description, though. Any other ideas?

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"It's really not a fist pump at all, is it?" says Rob Nash. Is there an echo in this GBG? "I was pondering 'fist brandish', but I think 'fist flaunt' actually has a nicer ring to it (and it's suitably polite for easily offended Middle-Englanders)."

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"The Queen of the Fist Pump is surely La Sharapova," says Gary Naylor. "How she got so good at it is an absolute mystery to me."

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"I would argue that the 'fist' part of 'fist pump' is also misleading," not-quite-argues Jordan Glossop. "I suggest Henman Hand Squeeze." While Martin Piper writes: "It's more like a fist waft." Ok, so it's not a fist pump, it's a "Henman hand-squeeze waft". My colleague James Dart reckons it's pretty similar to Bruce Forsyth's Generation Game pose.

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"Is it too late for Timothy to come up with a new signature if he makes it to the second week?" asks Stewart Todd. "Could he ditch the fisting, so to speak, and perhaps on Sunday get a roaring tiger tattoo on his back Beckham-style, and reveal it on Centre Court next week to astonished gasps from the strawberry and cream brigade with John Lloyd saying 'too good!'?"

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"You must realise that Tim lost an arm-wrestling match to a girl called Mary when he was in the second year at school," explains Andy Walker. "Your so-called 'fist pump' is actually his challenge to her to return to the ring for a best of three showdown." If it's a certain Maria of whom you speak, I wouldn't fancy Tiger's chances.

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"There are now 101 members of the Fist Pump appreciation group," writes Penelope Rance. "You could have some opposition in changing the name."

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"Perhaps if all the readers pump their fist as one, Tim will feel the force and come back to win," suggests Edward Platt, who also believes that Yuri Geller was to thank/blame for Gary McAllister blasting his penalty over against England in Euro 96.

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Will that be the last we see of Tim Henman at Wimbledon? He has promised he will be back next year so hopefully we'll have a few more glimpses of the Henman hand-squeeze waft then.

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Wikid behaviour

This is football hooliganism at its worst.

Heart of dartness

Today there's been a lot of darts on the television and as a result I've been reminiscing about my arrow-throwing days back at Goldsmiths, where I liked to be referred to as "The Talent" (after the London Fields' character Keith Talent, natch).

It's a hypnotic sport, and one that brings together a strange mixture of competitive seriousness and a knowing silliness, with players having nicknames like "The Robot", "The Sausage-Maker" and "The Prince of Dartness"; it also has a beautiful terminology of its own, with words like "ochy", "double top" and "ton-eighty" thrown about like 25 gram Unicorns. But it's the gravitas - particularly from the commentators - which I enjoy the most.

The following clip, which features Phil "The Power" Taylor's nine-dart finish, is an extraordinary example of such seriousness. The moment when the commentator blurts out "Oh my goodness!" is quite possibly the second funniest thing I've ever heard (the first being the bit about 15 seconds later when he yells, "For history! History!").



NB The guy giving Taylor a massive hug after the immaculate 501 is his opponent. It really is a gentleman's sport.

Becks' sick stunt

The world's gone vomit mad! After England captain David Beckham scored and then barfed in the team's 1-0 victory over Ecuador in the World Cup yesterday, it's all that's been coming out of people's mouths.

Following the goal / hurl, commentator John Motson pointed out that this was not the first time Becks has yakked after scoring. "I'm glad you brought that up John," replied fellow commentator Mark Lawrenson.

The tabloids came up with some good ones. "Becks beauty makes 'em sick", said The Star and "Here we throw", The Mirror. The Sun topped them both easily with "Queasy does it". But The Mirror's website smashed the competition with "The Spewtiful game". Well done them. Meanwhile, even the Big Brother house got in on the act, with housemates being woken by a recording of Glyn vomiting on his bedclothes.

What does Beckham have to say about all this? "It just came out."

Woen

In yesterday's post I totally tempted fate. And fate has slowly put its pint down, calmly walked over, and smacked me in the face.

The Alan-y and the Ecstasy

Sorry to keep quoting Alan Bennett, but here's another (rather topical) one from Untold Stories (which I finally finished on Saturday):

12 May 2001. Watching five minutes at the conclusion of the Cup Final (to the outcome of which I am utterly indifferent), I wonder whether the girlfriend of Michael Owen, who scores the winning goal, will be thinking that any love they might make later on this evening will stand no comparison with the ecstasy induced by the goal, and what she feels about this.

On the Crouch

Crouchballs. Everywhere you look, Crouchballs. Weeks on, England striker Peter Crouch – and his infamous robot dance goal celebration (“it’s the new craze that’s sweeping the nation!” etc etc) – is still being referenced in the most unlikely places. Examples? But of course:

New British Mars probe
Researcher Dr Mike Healy said: 'It can perform a tighter turning circle than Peter Crouch – but we have not got it to dance yet.'
Metro, June 13

Giant outdoor TV screens for public to watch the football
In Liverpool the BBC had planned a "family-friendly, no-alcohol environment" with enough elbow room to be able to "do the Crouch" - the England striker's celebratory robotic dance.
The Guardian, June 13

Chinese inventor creates rickshaw-pulling robot
England soccer star Peter Crouch’s robot dance is really catching on — even with this new Chinese invention. The battery-powered robot pulls a rickshaw ridden by Wu Yulu, 45, who spent a year making it from scrap in Beijing.
The Sun, June 14

Robot football tournament taking place in Germany
"Forget Peter Crouch's robot dance – now you can have the real thing, as the 2006 Robot World Cup kicks off in Germany."
Metro, June 15

Boom Shaka Lak

Yesterday I interviewed West Ham goalkeeper Shaka Hislop. We mainly talked about his work for Show Racism the Red Card, an organisation which sends footballers into schools to educate kids about racism and asylum seekers. Hislop says he hasn't experienced much racism, which somehow seems to make his involvement in the campaigns more admirable for its altruism.

Later he mentions that he has been on the receiving end of racial abuse: one was being called "distasteful names" by visiting fans outside the ground at Reading, one was "just some kids out in the street" yelling abuse. Hislop shrugs them both off ("nothing too dramatic"), but won't look me in the eye while he's talking about them.

Also asked about his ex-teammate Paolo Di Canio, who used to be "a very good friend". When Di Canio used the Nazi salute during a match, Hislop condemned him publicly. Di Canio's ridiculous excuse was, "I'm a fascist, not a racist," while Italian prime minister Silvio de Berlusconi defended him, saying, "Di Canio is an exhibitionist. His salute didn't have any significance. He's a good lad." Having previously gotten on well with Di Canio, Hislop says he was both surprised and disappointed by his actions, describing the act as "diabolical." They haven't spoken since.

This year's World Cup tournament will feature Hislop's goalkeeping, as he puts on the gloves for Trinidad and Tobago's first World Cup appearance. They're in the same first round group as England, so there'll be no avoiding them. Hislop's description of what will surely be one of the biggest football events of his life was wonderfully understated: he said it would be "good fun".

The Vaughan Supremacy

Cricket news: congratulations to England captain Mr Michael Vaughan on his excellent century and return to form with the bat. Also, thanks are due for giving me the excuse to use the fabulous pun above.