Steven Wells: 1960 - 2009

I'm probably at least the 5,000th person today to write the words, "Steven Wells was the writer who made me want to become a journalist," but hell, it's true.

For the uninitiated, Swells, who died from Hodgkin's lymphoma on Tuesday aged 49, was a spitting, ranting genius of a scribe, and, when I started reading the NME back in 1995, easily the best writer they had on their books. His pieces were characterised by balls-out irreverence, extreme sweary imagery, a disgust for all things twee and tame (Belle and Sebastian usually got a pasting) and, most memorably, SHOUTY CAPITAL LETTERS (today's report on The Quietus, which he wrote for more recently, had the excellent headline "Swells Dies: Caps Lock Buttons Sigh in Relief").

His final piece is published here and you can see from the comments how well loved and respected he was in the industry (amongst others, Kitty Empire, Everett True, Steve Sutherland, Mark Beaumont, Dominik Diamond, John Robb, Barbara Ellen, David Quantick and Attila the Stockbroker all weigh in. And Brian Wilson, but that may be a nom de plume).

Anyway, all nostalgic, like, I had a root under my bed and found an NME from October 1996. Lo, behold and phew, there was a piece by Mr Wells waiting for me. An extract, for you, then. It's from a wonderfully snarky interview with Power Station, a so-called supergroup consisting of self-confessed love addict Robert Palmer, Chic drummer Tony Thompson, and Duran Duran guitarist Andy Taylor.

They've just finished only their second album in more than ten years and during its recording, John Taylor, also ex-Duran Duran, had to quit because of a bit of a problem with the old proboscis-rotting showbiz sherbert. Then producer Bernard Edwards, also ex-Chic, caught flu while on tour in Japan and died in his sleep. Are you listening Noel Gallagher? You whining WIMP!

Yes indeed, they're called The Power Station and they're here to show you mewling, puking, zitpit-cratered, baggy-trousered, snot-sleeved, scabby-kneed, dope-addled no-hoper teenage slacker scum the POWER of ROCK created by MEN whose bollocks have dropped so far that they hang down by their kneeds like saddlebags.

That's one way of looking at it. That's certainly the way The Power Station see it, as they and your correspondent munch our way through exquisite Japanese food in an exclusive west London restaurant like the jet-setting, royalty-shagging, racehorse-owning bourgeois bastards we are.

[…]

Is it better to be a pop star or a rock star… Hang on, for some strange reason all three of them have burst out laughing.

"I'm a singer," says Robert, suddenly very serious. "He's a guitarist. He's a drummer. I really don't know what you're talking about."

Andy, you have, without a doubt, been a pop star.

"Well someone chooses to call you that, to pigeonhole you and plan your life out for you blah blah blah blah blah…"

FUCKING HELL! What THE STINKING HELL IS going on?!!? The guitarist of DURAN DURAN will not admit to once having been a pop star?!? I mean how many exclamation marks can NME print in one issue?!?!!!???!?!?!!!!!!!! The Power Station are not rock stars or pop stars, they are 'musicians' Why? In God's name, WHY?!?! People worship rock stars! They adore them! They are desperate – in their panting, turgid and drippingly moist millions – to have savage, uncomplicated and utterly mindblowing SEX with rock stars and they want it NOW! I mean, 'musicians', for crying out loud! Do you know anybody in their right mind who would even piss on a 'musician'? But we digress.

So, yep, RIP.


More:
NME tribute: Rage in Peace
His Guardian Sport highlights
The Daphne and Celeste reunion campaign starts here

Bushover

This is going to sound a tad pessimistic, but could the Obama reign signal the end of (or eight-year break from) the modern day protest song? The early 21st century produced a bumper crop of classics, but what will we all sing about now?

Can you imagine Jarvis Cocker writing – or daring to release – 'Running the World' in 2009 ("Bluntly put, in the fewest of words / Cunts are still running the world")? Green Day's 'American Idiot' is now a twee period piece ("Welcome to a new kind of tension / All across the alien nation / Everything isn't meant to be okay"). And Arcade Fire, whose apocalyptic sophomore album was shot through with veiled and not-so-veiled anti-Bush polemic (“I don't wanna live in America no more"), are reportedly hurriedly rewriting their third album, which initially went by the working title of 'McCain Glovebox #4 (Brackets)'.

Thank God for the recession.

Obamalfunction

So Barack Obama's US Secret Service codename is Renegade, it's been revealed. Sounds cool, don't it? But, ladies and gentleman of the White House Communications Agency, isn't it a bit of an odd choice? The Guardian, I seem to remember, were once forced to publish a correction after describing George Galloway as a renegade - i.e. an individual who has ditched their beliefs (ah, here it is).

Chambers Dictionary has this:

renegade noun
1 a someone who deserts the religious, political, etc group which they belong to, and joins an enemy or rival group; b a turncoat.

2 a Christian turned Muslim.

Oh well, maybe they had Jay-Z's definition in mind: "Renegade! Never been afraid to say what's on my mind at any given time of day, cos I'm a renegade - never been afraid to talk about anything. Anything? Anything. ANYTHING!"

Know your Onion

This is brilliant.

"Dr King's dream is now a reality"

Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As
Step Forward For African Americans

Olympicballs

"There is just no drama here at the moment."
As the Beijing games finishes, Sky News sends a reporter to London's Olympic stadium building site.

Ricking the vote

Hear about this? The world's gone mad!

Rickrolling bill passed in US senate

by Sheila Primula

US senators voted in favour of a bill outlawing the increasingly popular internet practice of "Rickrolling" yesterday.

Rickrolling, an internet meme that has become widespread in recent months, involves using disguised hyperlinks to direct unsuspecting internet users to YouTube videos of Rick Astley singing his 1987 hit 'Never Gonna Give You Up'.

But now Congress has outlawed the practice, those found directing others to Rick Astley videos must explain the exact nature of disseminated links to the intended recipient – or face a five-year prison sentence.

It is thought the law came about partly as the result of a cross-party report claiming productivity in Capitol Hill had decreased by nearly 50% in February because congressmen were falling for the prank so often. The investigation also revealed that a number of the senders were senators themselves.

"It was getting ridiculous," said Senator Richard Hamlin. "It reached the stage when even links to important briefing documents turned out to be Rickrolls. Even when you suspected a fake, you had to entertain the possibility that you were receiving something genuine. And most of the time, that wasn't the case. In the end I had to employ a second secretary whose sole job was to filter out the Rickrolls."

Some slammed the new legislation as a violation of their constitutional rights. "Freedom of speech is at stake here," said Doris Legg, president of the Society for Rickrolling Rights, a lobby group set up to combat the anti-Rickrolling drive. "Jokingly sending links to Rick Astley videos to people is perfectly harmless. The next thing you know, they'll be burning books and invading Poland."

Senator Hamlin rejected Legg's argument. "This new law is an important step forward in internet safety," he said. "We need to protect the American people from themselves – and Rick Astley."

Story continues…

Mayors and graces

I received my London Mayoral elections booklet in the post yesterday. The 32-page pamphlet is being sent out to all those in the capital registered to vote and includes the two-page miniature manifestos of each of the candidates standing (minus one, who presumably couldn't afford the £10,000 contribution fee).

It's interesting to see which words the candidates are keen on pushing. Ken Livingstone's section, for example, shows that he is the city, using the words "London" or "Londoners" a total of 16 times. While that figure's the same in Liberal Democrat candidate Brian Paddick's section, the name "Brian" also appears 13 times. Just in case you forget who he is. And Boris Johnson – can it be a coincidence that the word "serious" crops up four times?

Tarred with the same Brush

So, Basil Brush, eh? I always knew he was a Gypsy-hating racist. It just goes to show: you can never trust foxes. I bet he eats swans too.

What Goes On

More madness from the Daily Star. This just in:

LET IT BE: Playing Beatles in space could spark alien attack
BLASTING songs into space could put the Earth at risk of alien attack

Experts are fuming after Nasa played The Beatles song ‘Across The Universe’ into deep space.

They reckon loud music could attract extra-terrestrials’ attention and earmark the planet for invasion.

Astronomer Barrie Jones said there was an “unofficial embargo” on letting aliens know we are here.

“The chances are slight, but the consequences could be huge – the end of life on Earth,” he said.

Raising the Barack

I've totally missed most of the Clinton-Obama coverage, but after the New Hampshire primary turnaround when women voters suddenly decided they were all about Hillary, did anyone go with the headline "The boys are backing the Barack"?

And if not, why not?

Don't bank on it

No, this isn't addressed in the FAQs on their website. Rather inconveniently, I thought.

Halo, I love you

The Xbox computer game Halo 3 is released today. With 4.2m copies already in stores, it’s apparently going to be the biggest event ever. Watch.

If you Jose so

Every newspaper in the Christendom is weeping over the departure of Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho. And every newspaper has knocked up a box containing his best quotes, usually beginning with the famous "special one" announcement.

Jose's special talent (apart from, like, the football stuff) is to make lengthy everyday analogies seem lofty, epic and of supreme importance. My favourite is this little beauty, in which our hero discusses why he didn't spend in the January 2007 transfer window, despite major injury problems amongst his players:

"It is like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But I am content because the blanket is cashmere. It is no ordinary blanket."

The coldern days

Oh right, is it winter now?

Owen up

Tom Hanks is taking Owen Wilson's recent hospitalisation particularly badly...

Floody hell

Bob Dylan never sung about Gloucestershire, but he does seem quite keen on floods. Three choice cuts follow.

Crash on the levee, mama,
Water's gonna overflow,
Swamp's gonna rise,
No boat's gonna row.
Down in the Flood

I got the heart and you got the blood,
We cut through iron and we cut through mud.
Then came the warnin' that was before the flood
That set everybody free.
In the Summertime

High water risin', six inches 'bove my head
Coffins droppin' in the street
Like balloons made out of lead
Water pourin' into Vicksburg, don't know what I'm going to do
"Don't reach out for me," she said,
"Can't you see I'm drownin' too?"
It's rough out there
High water everywhere.
High Water (for Charley Patton)

Something in the water

Amid sightings of a great white shark in British waters, would it be cynical to suggest that those responsible for scheduling tonight's television are not taking the threat too seriously?

Ooh-er

"Identify young men and then penetrate them."
PC Pat Mercer suggests the solution to the terrorism problem on Newsnight

Spotted by Jon T.

Bring back Blair

I miss him already.