Friday, November 03, 2006

Vexed in the City

I'm in an Ethiopian restaurant with Sarah, who's just moved down to London from Manchester. It's a great place, but I think the waitress has taken a dislike to me, because I hesitated before ordering and so inadvertantly prompted her to make a suggestion, which I then ignored as it involved pumpkin sauce. Which I can't imagine being very nice.

Sarah starts telling me how watching The Paul O'Grady Show feels wrong in London because the presenter's so northern. Apparently Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall was on it the other day, promoting her new book, Being a Girl.

"That's not a great title, is it?" I say. Then I have an amazing idea. "Let's try and think up titles for a Kim Cattrall autobiography!"

Sarah doesn't look overexcited. I pause. If I think of a really good one, maybe she'll appreciate how fun this game is going to be. "Lateral Cattrall!" I shout. She smiles, slightly.

I pause. More. "Lucky Kim!" I yell. The response is underwhelming. "Like Lucky Jim, see? Only with Kim."

I can do better, I know it. "The Secret of Kim?" I suggest. Probably no one remembers mouse-animation film The Secret of Nimh, so this isn't a great one.

"Kims O'Clock!" Brilliant. Both cheeky and silly, but with an added touch of class. But Sarah only smiles slightly.

"Kim City! Tiger Kim? Er, Kim and Vigour! Are you not liking these?" I ask, a bit worried.

"I didn't really understand them, I'm afraid," she says kindly.

"Oh," I say. I am a bit disappointed. There's a few moments of silence. But I have one more up my sleeve. "The Cattrall That Got the Cream!" I say, with a flourish. She laughs.

"I get that one," she says. I am happy.

Who the hell's Kim Cattrall?


* (asterisk) said...

I would have opted for "She's come a long way from Milan to Minsk, Cattrall Cattrall", or something.

Moo said...

Hi, just found your blog via Katy, very funny!!

Edmund Hardy said...

How about

"By the way, I don't really have sex with random men in real life"


"My aging nympho-act was the quickest part of the show to get tiresome wasn't it, but I can also do other kinds of acting you know."

or to return to your theme,

"Empire of the Kim" ?

"Schindler's Kim"?

"Raiders of the Lost Kim" ?

"Artificial Kim"

"Minority Kim"

or finally

"Kim Report"

Edmund Hardy said...

Or more surreally,

"Cattrall on a Hot Tin Woof" ?

a double biography of "Kim Henman"?

* (asterisk) said...

Or "Kim: Is that how Spaniards pronounce 'quim'?"

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Ethiopian food, my very good friend Ben made this observation about it:

"It's no wonder all those people in Ethiopia are starving. It's not because they don't have enough food, but because the food they do have is so very, very bad."

Distasteful, yes. Still funny though.

Will said...

I didn't want to have to say it, but I did come out of the restaurant feeling a bit hungry...