I've included some highlights below; if I don't make it, it's probably because I was too busy cracking up to actually follow them:
"Get on the train, and enjoy the ride, which lasts about 40 minutes. You can buy a beer on the train too! Sometimes, the guy selling the beer has a stack of magazines. Ask for a 'journal (pronounce like the French) cri-mee-NAH-lay'. You won't regret it."
"…Go through the turnstile on the LEFT side of the slot you stuck your ticket into. If you go through the wrong one, a barrier will pop up and close exactly on your testicles. I'm not even kidding."
"…Enter the foyer of my Brezhnev-era slut paradise. There is a 75 per cent chance that a very grouchy old 'concierge' will be seated in a busted recliner, watching soap operas, ready to greet you. WARNING – AS YOU ARE CLEARLY AN EVIL JEW FOREIGNER, SHE MIGHT TRY TO KICK YOU OUT. I have tried to notify them of your upcoming stay, but I probably fucked it up. If they give you any cheese, simply show them the explanatory sheet of A4 I have graciously included in Appendix 1."
Yes, there was an appendix. See you on the other side.