Thursday, March 08, 2007

Direct hit

Okay, I'm off to Moscow now. Tadich (pictured) has emailed me some amazingly precise directions (in PDF format!) he's written to get me from Moscow Domodedovo Airport to his flat.

I've included some highlights below; if I don't make it, it's probably because I was too busy cracking up to actually follow them:

"Get on the train, and enjoy the ride, which lasts about 40 minutes. You can buy a beer on the train too! Sometimes, the guy selling the beer has a stack of magazines. Ask for a 'journal (pronounce like the French) cri-mee-NAH-lay'. You won't regret it."

"…Go through the turnstile on the LEFT side of the slot you stuck your ticket into. If you go through the wrong one, a barrier will pop up and close exactly on your testicles. I'm not even kidding."

"…Enter the foyer of my Brezhnev-era slut paradise. There is a 75 per cent chance that a very grouchy old 'concierge' will be seated in a busted recliner, watching soap operas, ready to greet you. WARNING – AS YOU ARE CLEARLY AN EVIL JEW FOREIGNER, SHE MIGHT TRY TO KICK YOU OUT. I have tried to notify them of your upcoming stay, but I probably fucked it up. If they give you any cheese, simply show them the explanatory sheet of A4 I have graciously included in Appendix 1."

Yes, there was an appendix. See you on the other side.

3 comments:

Red said...

Hahaha! Sounds like you'll have a blast with your mate. Happy holidays!

* (asterisk) said...

Enjoy, Will. I look forward to fascinating tales of how you kept thinking of the song "Laika" wherever you went.

fwengebola said...

Oh good, glad to hear the Russians have dropped their hatred and bigotry. How I laugh when I muse about their kicking out my family with pitchforks, only for the Ivans to be saddled with Stalinism whilst we suckled at the loving teat in the free West.

Hey, I like 'suckled at the loving teat'. I shall use that in a forthcoming post.