There's new drug Sweeping The Nation – and it seems everyone's on it, except me.
In recent months, I have heard the drug mentioned more and more frequently. Generally it happens like this: I'll be chatting to someone in an interactive social space like a bar, pavement or foyer, thinking I'm being charming with my off-the-wall banter, but possibly sounding like an off-the-ball wanker.
But then, despite the ostensibly civilised conversation going on, the person I'm talking to will break off to ask me if I'm high on said drug, usually asking, "Are you on Faysburke?"
Typically, I reply along the lines of, "Look, it's quite rude to ask whether someone's stoned in polite conversation – and no, I have not been smoking Faysburke, or however the hell you're supposed to take it."
At this stage, the person will look at me askance. They clearly think I am on Faysburke, but just in denial. Either that, or they'll try to persuade me how good Faysburke really is, and how it's helped them make loads of friends. Many of them talk about how they're "totally addicted to it".
A quick scan of the news shows that 23m people around the world are ruining their lives by taking this vile substance, or "signing up to Faysburke", as the youth lingo goes. Last year, drug charities managed to reduce worldwide intake of the equally dangerous Miaspays. Let's hope they can do the same with Faysburke.