"This brain-booster health drink I bought off you made me come up with a new version of string theory. Now I've got the international science community camped out in my garden waiting for a quote off me. I wouldn't have drunk it if I'd known it would cause all this."
Lush. But my favourite bit in each programme is the sketch involving a character called, simply, Alan.
Each Alan sketch begins with two upper-middle class couples (represented by real actors, not animations) chatting smugly to each other and beginning an idyllic day, caravanning or celebrating one of their birthdays. Soon, one of them will utter the unfortunate words, "Is Alan coming along?"
Alan is the complete opposite to the toff couples – in fact, he's a cartoon in the shape black scribbled blob with a massive white mouth and big malevolent eyes (like this). He speaks in a gruff 'n' grumpy can't-be-bothered misanthropic voice.
A few exchanges will then take place, a classic example being:
"Did you have any trouble finding the place Alan?"
"No it was piss easy."
The centrepiece of each sketch always features Alan setting up a booby trap involving a long bit of string. The long bit of string is eventually pulled by one of the posh men and the result is always catastrophic, involving destruction of a car, greenhouse or other valued possession.
The sketches end with the dupe yelling, "Come back Alan, you fucking wanker!" and Alan scampering away muttering to himself. He frequently escapes to the sound of – and here is the real genius – I Like To Move It Move It by Real 2 Real featuring the Mad Stuntman. Wow.
You can watch some Alan action here.