Friday, March 02, 2007

The Gustave Tower

During one of our many trawlings off Paris's beaten track, me and Sarah stumbled across this strange girder-like structure. I took some photos so you at home can witness its unlikely beauty.


Eiffel tower
The monument is apparently
known as the
Gustave Tower, after
its designer Gustave Eiffel

Eiffel gloom
We were particularly pleased we found the tower,
since it is notoriously hard to spot


Eiffel tower
Because of its immense ugliness, few
are interested in visiting the tower.
Hence deserted scenes like these

Eiffel tower
Visitors - if there are any - who wish to visit the top are hoisted
up by rope (provided)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Skate figure

I feel awful. Think I was poisoned by my last meal in Paris. Arrived back and spent the night vomiting. But apart from the evil payoff, the trip was great. We even went ice skating! Here's a little video I made before the nausea set in.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Paris for the course

Right. I'm off to Paris tomorrow. Sarah has made me promise not to update the Goose while I'm away. Fair enough, it would annoy me if I was her.

In the meantime, feel free to read the archives. September 2005 was quite good. I met a crazy Welshman, had a big house party and graduated from Goldsmiths. I was surprisingly creative in January 2006. Those were innocent times. And April 2006 has some pretty pictures and the story of how I was traumatised by a man who owned the same shirt as me. Browse away.

Back on Wednesday. Au revoir, mes amis! Au revoir, mes ennemis!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Oh, you

You think you’re pretty cool don’t you? First you were named person of the year by Time magazine; now everyone keeps saying things like "Web 2.0 is all about you."


Well sorry, but such arrogance does not become you. Pick up a copy of The Mirror today and you’ll see that the honeymoon’s over, and the backlash has started.


Poor old you.

Crisp rejoinder

This is my kind of blog post. We need to keep the dialogue going.


The Electric Goose: a crisp retrospective
August 12 2005: Crisp innovation league
February 6 2006: A letter of complaint
February 14 2006: A crisp response
March 2 2006: The death of Mishima / the birth of new Hula Hoops

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Film review: Sleeping Dogs Lie

By Will Parkhouse

Originally published in Total Spec magazine, January 2007


Got a secret? Amy has – and hers is better than yours. It's revealed to the audience in the first few seconds of Sleeping Dogs Lie and there can’t be many more startling opening lines in the annals of film history than, “My name is Amy and yes, at college I blew my dog.” The Farrelly brothers must be seething.

Except this isn't quite the gross-out farce you might expect from such a revelation. Written and directed by the wonderfully-named Bobcat Goldthwait, who, oddly enough, played Zed in the Police Academy films, Sleeping Dogs Lie is a low-budget indie romcom, where the rom is sweet and sad, and the com is shot through with twisted absurdity.

Primary school teacher Amy (Melinda Page Hamilton) and her aspiring journalist boyfriend John (Bryce Johnson) are getting married. Head over heels in love, they promise to be completely honest with each other, but Amy soon becomes dogged (sorry) by her secret, not helped by the constant presence of John’s canine friend Steve. She discusses the gist of the problem with friendly co-worker Ed. Should she tell her future husband the dark secret?

A stay at the home of Amy’s well-to-do parents bring things to a head (ahem). John finds himself having to share a room with his fiancee’s jobless brother, who now spends his time smoking crystal meth and playing with his beloved Casio keyboard (“there’s no limit to what this does,” he waxes). A memorable ensemble set piece which sees all four actors having a whale of a time has John asking Amy's father for his blessing to marry, while Amy has a tentative heart-to-heart with her mother about sexual secrets. As a result of the chat, a glorious scene between Amy and John follows that skilfully takes us from laughter to suspense to horror to sadness in the space of a few minutes. The truth comes out and Amy's life starts to change.

Despite the taboo-busting nature of that secret, this is some way from being There’s Something About Amy. Rarely off camera, Page Hamilton puts in a great performance, and even though she's done the (nearly) unspeakable, we’re always on her side, something that’s in no way hindered by her endearing Renee Zellweger-alike looks. The film's charm is in no small way due to her.

But we're offered more than just cutesy chucks on the chin; there are emotional punches here that put Sleeping Dogs Lie miles from the tear-jerk manipulation of more mainstream bad-taste flicks. In fact, Goldthwait almost plays it for laughs too often; when the secret is unleashed for a second time at the family dinner table accompanied by comedy French accordion, we find ourselves wanting to watch in horror rather than be pushed to snigger at the slapstick. It also feels a bit rushed in places – filmed as it was in an unbelievable two weeks, at times you can almost sense the crew packing up to move location before the camera's stopped, so abruptly do some of the scenes finish. But such signs of inexperience aren't frequent enough to mar the genuinely funny moments, the rapport we feel with the characters or the bombshells of weirdness Goldthwait's script frequently drops.

While the moral we're fed is rather simple – that some secrets should stay that way – there's enough food for thought to be going on with here beneath the Meet the Parents-like belly laughs. And the clever title works on several levels; this isn't just about keeping secrets in the past, it's about lies too, and, of course, sleeping with dogs. Definitely worth a go. The film, that is.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The five levels of chicken shop recognition

Last night, during a visit to Millennium Fried Chicken, I graduated from being a chicken shop level three intermediate to level four: professional. One day, with practice, I hope to become a grand master.

Level 1: Beginner
Chicken shop man ignores you for several minutes before grudgingly asking for your order. You get what you are given. You are treated like a stranger.

Level 2: Amateur
Chicken shop man recognises you and asks your order immediately. He puts a small amount of thought into which pieces of chicken you receive. You are treated like a customer.

Level 3: Intermediate
Chicken shop man knows what you normally order and asks if you'll be having the same again. He ensures your order includes the tastier pieces of chicken. You are treated with respect.

Level 4: Professional
Chicken shop man doesn't even need you to confirm your order – he starts preparing your normal meal on sight. He shows you the chicken pieces he has chosen for your approval. You are treated like an old friend.

Level 5: Grand Master
Chicken shop man knows exactly what days and times you're likely to drop by and so prepares your normal order in advance. He includes the choicest cuts of chicken and even throws in a few bonus spare ribs for free. You are treated like royalty.

Friday, February 16, 2007

"If you book them, they will come"

Friday 2nd March. The Windmill, Brixton. Come along. It's a Rockbeatstone night. I have written some shit for them along the way, so I am doing some massive plugging.

I say again: COME ALONG.

COME ALONG

Weirdly as I write this, Wayne's World 2 is on TV. Wayne, to camera: "So there's this rumour that none of the bands have signed and probably no one's gonna show up. It's true that none of the bands have signed. But Jim Morrison and his weird Indian friend visited me in the night and assured me that all the bands are gonna come."

Beginnings

So here's how it happened. It was early 1991, and Ray, a gutsy 19-year-old, was working as a chef at Schipol airport in Amsterdam. In his spare time, Ray liked to rap. He dreamed of becoming a star.

Anita was a pretty girl who did admin in the parking ticket section of a Dutch police station. She was 19 too. Anita liked to sing. When she was younger, she would perform in front of her family. In her spare time she performed in a female rap group, which she enjoyed very much.

Along came Marvin. Marvin was a rapper. He could tell Anita was talented and asked her to sing backing vocals for him. Anita agreed. One night, Marvin did a show, but the crowd weren't having any fun at all. Luckily, his friend Ray – the airport chef - was in attendance. Ray saw his moment and took the microphone. He urged the crowd out of their lethargic mood. Marvin was impressed: Ray was really good.

Finally, Ray and Anita met. They were the same age, they had the same interests, they had even been born in the same hospital. They would later become so close that they would describe their relationship as "like brother and sister".

Marvin introduced Ray and Anita to two musicians called Phil and Jean-Paul. Phil and Jean-Paul liked Ray's rapping and Anita's singing very much. They wanted them to form a band together. And that was exactly what happened.

So it came to pass: 2 Unlimited was born.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Lessons learned from... Notes on a Scandal

When attempting to blackmail a collegue into being friends with you, ensure evidence of unhinged mental state is properly shredded.