Pun of the week

This week’s winner comes from today's Sun, which has a story about drugs being smuggled into a Teesside jail stuck to the surface of paintings. The headline?

Sorted for easel whizz

Bravo!

Pun of the week

Well done to the Daily Mirror's sub-editors, whose headline for a story about an artist who has created a 17ft cardboard statue of Gandhi was...

Flatpack-ma Gandhi

Raising the Barack

I've totally missed most of the Clinton-Obama coverage, but after the New Hampshire primary turnaround when women voters suddenly decided they were all about Hillary, did anyone go with the headline "The boys are backing the Barack"?

And if not, why not?

Pun of the week

This week’s winner comes from The Sun, from the headline of their piece about a British Airways steward suspended for theft after eating a leftover muffin from a passenger’s meal tray.

Much ado about muffin

Pun of the week

As actor Will Smith accepts the Hollywood honour of leaving his hand and footprints on the pavement outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Wenn Entertainment News come up with:

Smith Puts Fresh Prints in Walk of Fame

Don't say boo to The Goose

Sorry about the paucity of blogging recently. If this blog was an urban development it would be Calcutta, which is a very paucity, apparently. If it was an airport, it'd be LAX. If it was a pair of trousers, it would be slacks. If it was a dress code it would be casual.

In the meantime, I will rack my brain, put on my thinking cap and do other exciting things which involve my head. In the meantime meantime, here's some writing which the daily grind wrung out of me today like an angry Russian washerwoman.

Britney denies pregnancy
What with her busy life of driving around a lot and covering her head with blankets, surely the last thing Britney Spears needs is another baby.

No Spice Girls ticket for Becks
Victoria Beckham has forbidden her husband David from attending the Spice Girls’ first reunion gig on Sunday, because she’s too nervous about the shows.

Christina Aguilera gets her bump out
Wow, Christina Aguilera’s looking a bit fat these days. She must’ve been knocking back pints of London Pride like no one’s business. What’s that? Pregnant?

Chantelle has changed
Yes, that is the same person.

Celebrity golden gobs
"We're in every night. Having sex." Pamela Anderson explains how her marriage to Rick Salomon works.

Pun of the week

With the rumour that Sir Trevor McDonald wants to appear on The X Factor to do a Neil Diamond impression, The Sun goes for…

Diamonds are for Trevor

Matri moany

I'm just in the process of buying something from the gift list for my friend's imminent wedding. All was going fine - and it's great that I don't actually have to make any effort to buy them something they genuinely want - until I got to the "special message" bit.

Having to type something original, heartfelt and clever is nigh on impossible when you're faced with a small text box on a John Lewis homepage. Even in a word document it's difficult. So naturally, I Googled it. Then I realised that's what everyone else would do, so when I nicked something from a forum discussion page, I'd probably end up using exactly the same message as someone else. So I decided to put some thought into it. At first, I came up with this:

May your marriage be like War and Peace: long and interesting.

But the groom isn't a literary type (I'm not sure about the bride), so it could be misconstrued as an incorrectly capitalised desire for their marriage to be like a battleground. Then, I remembered that they like going to the cinema, so I thought of this:

May your marriage be like a monthly direct debit pass to UGC cinemas: practical, fun and financially sensible.

Hmmm. Not very poetic. They'll be expecting more from a "creative" like me. A different approach is called for. As I'm getting them a lamp, how about a film quote?

I love lamp. I love lamp. And I hope you do too. Best wishes for the future.

That just sounds mental. If we're going to do crazy, perhaps:

Best wishes for the future. I love you both. I really do. So much so, in fact, that your marriage will tear me apart inside until my mind slips from the flimsy tarpaulin that holds it aloft into the molten reservoir of madness beneath. DON'T DO IT, I BEG YOU.

Wow, that's really scary. But that's not what we're trying to do here. Perhaps try sticking to what you're best at: puns. Maybe a well-placed pun will make my message stand out from the crowd.

Have a great day. Don’t get tangled up in wed tape!

Ouch. That's awful. I give up, I'm just going to put "to a happy future" or something crap like that.

Pun of the century

...and it's all mine. Seriously, I think this may have been my greatest moment.

Pun of the week

Cracking advert from the Weetabix crew - the stunning pun appears right at the end. It's worth the (26-second) wait.

Wordplay of the week

Harry stuck between Iraq and a hard place
The Wrap (Guardian) on arguments over whether Prince Harry should serve in Iraq

"I hear the narrative has an impressive arc."
The Guardian’s Ryan Gilbey on director Darren Aronofsky’s screenplay about Noah

God wants his Ball back
The Sun on the death of footballer Alan Ball


And the wooden spoon award goes to...

Roon thinks it's Ball over
The Sun on how Alan Ball inspired Wayne Rooney

Pun of the week

Congratulations to this week's puntastic winner, The Sun, who reacted to Freddie Flintoff's drunken disgrace and subsequent apology with an astounding headline:

Contrite said Fred

Pungent

After a short punning hiatus, I've re-entered the fray. I can't believe the Beeb haven't offered me a job yet, to be honest.

Glutton for pun-ishment

The BBC is namedropping me like crazy. But when your puns are this good, how could they not?


On a roll

Pun of the week

The Mirror publishes new computer images showing unborn animals:

Womb with a zoo

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Rolling with the puns

My tireless campaigning in the world of puns has been recognised once more. Wooooooooo.


Do you remember the first time?
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Vexed in the City

I'm in an Ethiopian restaurant with Sarah, who's just moved down to London from Manchester. It's a great place, but I think the waitress has taken a dislike to me, because I hesitated before ordering and so inadvertantly prompted her to make a suggestion, which I then ignored as it involved pumpkin sauce. Which I can't imagine being very nice.

Sarah starts telling me how watching The Paul O'Grady Show feels wrong in London because the presenter's so northern. Apparently Sex and the City star Kim Cattrall was on it the other day, promoting her new book, Being a Girl.

"That's not a great title, is it?" I say. Then I have an amazing idea. "Let's try and think up titles for a Kim Cattrall autobiography!"

Sarah doesn't look overexcited. I pause. If I think of a really good one, maybe she'll appreciate how fun this game is going to be. "Lateral Cattrall!" I shout. She smiles, slightly.

I pause. More. "Lucky Kim!" I yell. The response is underwhelming. "Like Lucky Jim, see? Only with Kim."

I can do better, I know it. "The Secret of Kim?" I suggest. Probably no one remembers mouse-animation film The Secret of Nimh, so this isn't a great one.

"Kims O'Clock!" Brilliant. Both cheeky and silly, but with an added touch of class. But Sarah only smiles slightly.

"Kim City! Tiger Kim? Er, Kim and Vigour! Are you not liking these?" I ask, a bit worried.

"I didn't really understand them, I'm afraid," she says kindly.

"Oh," I say. I am a bit disappointed. There's a few moments of silence. But I have one more up my sleeve. "The Cattrall That Got the Cream!" I say, with a flourish. She laughs.

"I get that one," she says. I am happy.


Who the hell's Kim Cattrall?

Pundit

At last! The BBC have finally officially recognised me for my services to punnery.


More puns

Pun of the week

From a Daily Express story about Prince William's visit a new specialist babycare unit:

From heir to maternity

More hot pun action

Pun of the week

Davina McCall on Big Brother eviction night: "It's time to say 'So long Lea, and thanks for the mammaries.'"

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