Leaves dropping

Ah, the leaving email - I've received a few classics in my time, some pretentious, some grandoise, some emotional. But none have bettered the one below. Its utter despondency and brutal honesty are a joy to behold, even a number of years on.

Hi Everyone,

At last my last day is here.

Thanks for everyone for making my time here better than it would be without you.

Although I leave with a shattered self esteem and disappointing level of personal and intellectual growth, I have at least, probably, been doing the worthy task in keeping ********** from complete failure for the last 10 months.

Thankfully today will be the last day I ever have to think about these fiendish things called "*************" and "*******" and eventually the scars will heal.

Please be patient with my replacement – it’s not his fault, and the sooner the above named things and all things associated with them are banished (replaced), the happier the world will be.

Goodbye to everyone, and thanks for being kind, patient and understanding.

[Name deleted].

PS. I recognise that I have personal problems that need to be addressed.

Homepage bound

The Google homepage fills my heart with joy.

Having experienced a multitude of problems with home internet in my adult life (mainly thanks to the shoddiness of NTL's service), I've spent a lot of time testing the connection by pressing Alt+Home to bring up my browser homepage, which is, of course, www.google.co.uk. The "page not found" signals disappointment and the need for further work. The Google homepage equals success and progression.

Even now, with my internet troubles over (at least until I have another go at setting up wireless), the sight of those primary colours on that big white background is dear to mine eyes; I am one of Ivan Petrovich Pavlov's puppies, with Google as my bell.

If you Jose so

Every newspaper in the Christendom is weeping over the departure of Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho. And every newspaper has knocked up a box containing his best quotes, usually beginning with the famous "special one" announcement.

Jose's special talent (apart from, like, the football stuff) is to make lengthy everyday analogies seem lofty, epic and of supreme importance. My favourite is this little beauty, in which our hero discusses why he didn't spend in the January 2007 transfer window, despite major injury problems amongst his players:

"It is like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But I am content because the blanket is cashmere. It is no ordinary blanket."

The coldern days

Oh right, is it winter now?

Biz

I’ve had quite a rich weekend. Is that the word? It felt enriching, that's what I mean.

I went to the pub. I had a stroll through London. I went to the theatre. I got drunk. I met up with old friends. I read the paper. I danced to electro. I watched a DVD. I went to the pub again. I watched a firework display from my bedroom. I did a stir fry. I watched TV. I went for a run. I (nearly managed to) set up a wireless network. I went to the cinema. I ate out with a friend. I read a novel.

Not in that order, of course.

Anyway: has anyone at work today asked me what I got up to at the weekend? Have they fuck.

Lessons learned from... 3.10 to Yuma

Security in Yuma prison is extremely lax.

Lessons learned from... Eagle vs Shark

Eagle-fanciers can be high-maintenance boyfriends.

Hissy Brit

Emailed this round at work, after Tadich sent it over. The responses:

"i am absolutely speechless. it's... horrible"

"this is taking the UGC revolution too far"

"M was so terrified by the look on my face he spoke to me"

"It’s good eh? Psychotic but mesmerising. I’ve watched it twice."



Reminds me a bit of this actually.

Sightings

Spotted last night: a bearded Adam Buxton doing very fast laps of Kennington Park. That guy, he cracks me up, with his crazy running.

Lessons learned from... Hallam Foe

If you interrupt a couple's lovemaking by donning war-paint and a stuffed badger's head hat and then jumping on them, they are likely to become annoyed.