Friday, May 18, 2007

Star pupil

Good to see lovely people rising above their differences and getting along like adults.

On 4 May, model and former Celebrity Big Brother bully Danielle Lloyd successfully sued the Daily Star newspaper after they falsely claimed she had “a marathon sex session” in a club with a DJ she had just met. You might have thought this would’ve damaged their working relationship, but a look at the paper’s recent front pages (all accompanied by necessarily gratuitous pictures) suggest this is far from the case...

Wednesday 9 May 2007
Dani: My big reunion with BB Shilpa


Thursday 10 May
Dani’s new boobs: first pics

Monday 14 May
Dani’s terror as she’s mugged by gang

Wednesday 16 May
Dani’s new X rated telly show

Thursday 17 May
Dani: see my first topless pics inside

Friday 18 May
First topless Dani poster inside

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Quote of the day

"I once got into trouble at a Fabian Society function when I said, perhaps a little tactlessly, that I thought [Liberal Democrat MP] Sarah Teather looked like a Pokemon, upsetting a nearby Lib Dem grandee. But they didn't understand that I was going through a real Pikachu phase at the time and was relating everyone and everything to a Pokemon."

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hello Mum

A blooper of the highest order from yours truly, as Tadich (using the screenname "Manage My Democracy") appears to sign into Instant Messenger:

Will says:
Vadich!

Manage My Democracy says:
Hi

Manage My Democracy says:
Hi

Will says:
Hungover?

Manage My Democracy says:
This is Paul's mother. He used my computer while he was here.

Oops. Sorry Paul.

Lessons learned from... This is England

Braces are racist.

Monday, May 14, 2007

The prophecy

As my boss put it: "If you believe the Star, it all kicks off on 30th May. The Sun thinks it's 1st June and most people think it's 25th May. Whatever way you look at it, it's soon."

But what? Why, the return of Big Brother, of course!

Quote below is from Big Brother 5 (2004), spoken by contestant
Emma in a fit of rage following an argument with fellow housemate Victor. It shows that beneath his cocky exterior, Victor was perhaps endowed with an eerie gift for prophecy.

"He’s called me... he’s fucking called me... he’s called me... a fucking racist. He’s called me fucking racist. He’s called me… that I’m an image of Jade Goodya? Now, I like Jade fucking Goodya but... I’m like Jade fucking Goodya? Now there’s nothing fucking wrong with Jade Goodya."

Friday, May 11, 2007

What's in a name, part 5

After my visit to Fantasy Cleaners (yes, it really is called that) to hand over my suit, I wander up to Tesco to buy some ham. I end up buying other stuff too, as is inevitable, and join a checkout queue.

After I've been standing in line for long enough for it to be too late to switch to a new queue, it becomes apparent that there's something wrong with the card machine. As there's nothing else to do, I add up the prices of the purchases in my head and take out my wallet. I notice the receipt in my wallet from the dry cleaners.

They've spelt my name "Parkhausa".

What's in a name, part 4

On the tube journey home from work, I consider strange names I've come across in my time.

The first that springs to mind is that of a one-time friend of my sister. She was called "Jenny Taylor". When you first hear it, nothing registers, until you put yourself into a schoolboy's state of mind and realise it sounds a bit like "genitalia". Even then, it's not exactly hilarious.

Better is the (presumably fictional) extraordinary name that one of the regulars who enters our caption competition over on Orange goes by: Horatio Monkeychops.

For this type of observational blog post, three examples must be cited, otherwise it must be discarded and stamped on viciously. But as I sit on the tube, I cannot think of a third. My mind is blank. I get home; I do my chores. The final of these is to take my suit – which I rarely wear – to the dry cleaners round the corner. I check the pockets and come across two cards: one, an invitation to an awards ceremony I attended about a year back. The other is a business card, which I was given at the shindig in question. I stare at the name of the man who presented it to me, which is emblazoned across the front of the card.

Beckett Fish.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

What's in a name, part 3

The protagonist in Paul Auster's novel Timbuktu is a dog called Mr Bones.

Anthropomorphising an animal by giving it a Christian name and a surname is a near-unbeatable comic device. Mr Bones, who describes events in a perceptive and detailed way, comes across as discerning and wise, and it's in no small part due to his name.

Some other examples of animals named in this way from contemporary literature: the Bengal tiger in Yann Martel's Life of Pi, which goes by the name Richard Parker, the eponymous baboon in Cornelius Medvei's Mr Thundermug, and the guide dog in Jonathan Safran Foer's Everything is Illuminated, which is called Sammy Davis Junior, Junior.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Names, part 2

I'm pretty sure Paul Auster's most famous moment comes in the first story (City of Glass) of his first novel, The New York Trilogy, five pages in.

He climbed out of bed, walked naked to the telephone, and picked up the receiver on the second ring.
"Yes?"
There was a long pause on the other end, and for a moment Quinn thought the caller had hung up. Then, as if from a great distance, there came the sound of a voice unlike any he had ever heard. It was at once mechanical and filled with feeling, hardly more than a whisper and yet perfectly audible, and so even in tone that he was unable to tell if it belonged to a man or a woman.
"Hello?" said the voice.
"Who is this?" asked Quinn.
"Hello?" said the voice again.
"I'm listening," said Quinn. "Who is this?"
"Is this Paul Auster?" asked the voice. "I would like to speak to Mr Paul Auster."

Paul Auster, The New York Trilogy (London: Faber, 1992), p7

If there's one thing Auster (the writer) loves more than weird coincidences (we should probably call it "The Music of Chance"), it's weird coincidences involving names and identity mix-ups, and this sort of stuff crops up throughout his work. Though it's a theme that's intermittent, it somehow seems to be an aspect of his writing that gives it its unique, er, identity.

Some characters from the novels, all writers: Peter Aaron (initials), John Trause (anagram), Daniel Quinn (Auster's son's name is Daniel) and Benjamin Sachs (more about Benjamins in a minute). You see what I mean.

Auster has even plunged himself into this echoing world of identities in "real life". Take the film Smoke, which he wrote the screenplay for and which was released in 1995. The main character is a writer called Paul Benjamin. In the film, Benjamin is nearly knocked over by a car, but is saved by a teenager called Rashid. The writer takes the kid in and looks after him for a bit. Except it soon emerges that his name isn't Rashid, it's Thomas. Thomas Cole. The boy was raised by his aunt, and is on a quest to find his father Cyrus, who walked out before Thomas was born, and who he has never met. He manages to get a job working for his long-lost father at Cyrus's run-down gas station, but is too scared to let his father know who he really is, and so gives his name as… Paul Benjamin.

Anyway, to the point: before he'd written all this, back in 1984, Auster published a pulpy but rather good detective novel, Squeeze Play. Except you won't find it in the bookshops under "A"; he used the pseudonym "Paul Benjamin". Benjamin, it turns out, is his middle name. Ha. Even more intriguing is the following. In Smoke, a whole chain of events is set off after wandering son Rashid steals $6,000 from two small-time gangsters. In real life, Auster's son Daniel went to prison after he was found guilty of stealing $3,000 from a dead drug dealer. What's the big deal, you might think, the writer's just taken some stuff from his life, tweaked it and stuck it in the film. Er, except Auster Jr's crime took place after Smoke had been released - he was sentenced in 1998. The young Daniel Auster actually makes a cameo appearance in the film by the way, playing a kid who steals a couple of magazines from a cigar shop.

It really pays to plough through all Auster's work – easy, as he's very readable – because these kind of echoes multiply and multiply the more you read. It's fun. In The Invention of Solitude, a non-fiction memoir type work, he quotes Pascal: "Two faces are alike. Neither is funny by itself, but side by side their likeness makes us laugh." Auster, or "A." as he refers to himself for the whole second half of the book, goes on:

"A young man rents a room in Paris and then discovers that his father had hid out in this same room during the war. If these two events were to be considered separately, there would be little to say about either one of them. The rhyme they create when looked at together alters the reality of each."

Paul Auster, The Invention of Solitude (Kent: Faber, 1982), p161

This is why chance, coincidence, is surprising, and, I guess how repetition and echoes give rise to meaning. Life's happenings, rhyming – why is that such a comforting, cosy way of putting it? Probably because it leans away from meaninglessness.

I experienced one of these strange "rhymes" while reading The Invention of Solitude. Quoting Pascal for the first time earlier in the book (ibid. p76), Auster writes: "All the unhappiness of man stems from one thing only: that he is incapable of staying quietly in his room." Carlos Ruiz Zafón's The Shadow of the Wind, the book I finished just before embarking on Solitude, quotes the same lines. Spooky.*

Smoke is well worth watching, particularly for William Hurt's immaculate and endearing performance as Paul Benjamin. It's so convincing that I can't imagine the character not living out his life somewhere in New York as I sit writing this. And since I saw the film, whenever I try to picture Paul Auster, he eludes me; instead, I always think of William Hurt playing Paul Benjamin. I think Auster would like that.



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* Third echo: on Saturday I had two glasses of champagne, two glasses of white wine, two shots of vodka and two pints of beer in succession; after consuming these dyadic drinks I quoted those lines of Pascal at someone. I think that's probably the most sensible pissed thing I've ever done. Yay me.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

What's in a name, part 1

Following the house move, I find myself suddenly in need of a new aerial lead for the TV, as the one I have is too short to reach the wall socket. So I go to the wires shop and buy the wrong one.

After cursing my foolishness, I manage to stitch the packet up so it is presentable enough to return.

I return to the wire shop and the nervous young girl behind the counter explains that she'll need to take my name and address. After I tell her my name, she asks me to spell it. I do so as she types it into the machine. When I leave, with my new aerial lead and printed-out receipt, I find she has spelt my name "Prakhsue".

My mangled name looks funny. I start to say my intact, real, name in my head. I soon begin to wonder if I'm pronouncing it correctly – after all, I've never actually practised saying my name before. Why would I?