Favourite crap jokes #32

She kissed me with abandon.

Then she took the band off, and kissed me again.


(from I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again)

Granny's loyalty points

I'm going through change-of-address hell at the moment, having to contact all sorts of people to tell them to send their post to new-me, not old-me.

But it could be worse. Whilst trying to discover how to tell Tesco supermarket where I live now, so they keep sending me Clubcard loyalty discount vouchers, I stumbled across this rather bleak FAQ:

One of my relatives has died - Can I change the card to my name so that the points are not lost?
No. The Data Protection Act prevents us from changing any details on a card without the owners consent. You can have the points transferred to your existing card or we can send you a new card - but the request for this must be in writing

So not only do you have a dead relative on your hands, but you have to cut through a load of red tape to get your hands on their points. That's not going to help you get through this difficult time, is it?

Tone down

As Tony Blair celebrates 10 years of being Prime Minister, not everyone is rejoicing like an idiot. Some of us are busy writing very important pieces of investigative news journalism. Get informed.

The Kennington flats

"The Stockwell flats? Nah, sorry mate, never heard of 'em."

Wordplay of the week

Harry stuck between Iraq and a hard place
The Wrap (Guardian) on arguments over whether Prince Harry should serve in Iraq

"I hear the narrative has an impressive arc."
The Guardian’s Ryan Gilbey on director Darren Aronofsky’s screenplay about Noah

God wants his Ball back
The Sun on the death of footballer Alan Ball


And the wooden spoon award goes to...

Roon thinks it's Ball over
The Sun on how Alan Ball inspired Wayne Rooney

Musical history lessons #23

The way British society perceived young offenders and how to deal with their needs underwent a seismic shift back in 1969, mainly due to some epoch-defining research released by government social think-tank The Beatles, led by eminent child psychiatrist Ringo Starr.

In the introduction to the group’s groundbreaking paper Octopus’s Garden, Starr explains how he himself would like to reside in one of the eponymous suboceanic compounds. But as the forceful yet beguiling argument continues, we realise that Starr is in fact suggesting these special recreational units should be used as asylum centres for troubled young people. “Oh what joy for every girl and boy,” writes Starr, “Knowing they're happy and they're safe.”

Harold Wilson’s Labour government was quick to respond to Starr’s calls for reform, and by September 1970, over 190 of the centres had been set up around the UK. Initially, they were a great success, providing unruly youths with a range of activities with which to fill their time.

However, because - as Starr had specifically stipulated in his paper - there was “no one there to tell [them] what to do”, the centres soon became hotbeds of anarchy and violence. Problems also arose due to the fact that the gardens were underneath the sea and often deliberately hidden, meaning many poorer families from inland urban communities found them difficult to access.

The government withdrew their support, and by 1973, the last octopus’s garden was closed down. But to this day Starr’s idealistic vision remains an inspiration to those working in youth justice.

Goodbye Stockwell Flats

Oh, Beckett House. I have to say goodbye to you. I'm moving to Kennington, and you're not coming with me. This may be the last photo I ever take of you, and the last time I ever stumble across a strangely fitting Beckett quote with which to caption you.

"Finished, it's finished, nearly finished,
it must be nearly finished."

"Grain upon grain, one by one, and one day, suddenly,
there's a heap, a little heap, the impossible heap.
I can't be punished any more."

"I'll go now to my kitchen, ten feet by ten feet by ten feet,

and wait for him to whistle me. [Pause]
Nice dimensions, nice proportions..."

How does it feel?

Rolling Stone put up some quality audio clips of the magazine's co-founder Jann Wenner interviewing Bob Dylan (spotted by James).

I was going to link to the page, but they've taken it down, the fools. Shame, the clips were really good, with some hilarious role reversal going on; the first one had Wenner coming across as the moody one who Dylan was trying to impress, rather than the other way round. At one stage Dylan asks Wenner if he'd ever noticed how upbeat some of the postwar popular music songs are. "No," replies Wenner, sounding fed up.

Luckily I transcribed another bit before they were consigned to the cyber graveyard...

Jann Wenner: [exasperated] I’m trying to interview you.
Bob Dylan: I know.
JW: And you’re not being very helpful with this.
BD: Jann, have I ever been helpful?
JW: Well, you have in the past - you’ve given some really great interviews in the past several years.
BD: Well I wasn’t on tour when I was doing it you know, I could be fully present for your interviews. But now, I’m thinkin’ about amps going out and y’know...
JW: You don’t have people taking care of those for you?
BD: You would hope.
JW: So you can’t find a good road man, is that the problem here?

Weekend thoughts

When I'm old, I would like to look grizzled. Is a regular smoking habit likely to make me more or less grizzled? Hopefully the answer is less grizzled; if more, then I'll have to up my cigarette intake – and then the grizzled factor will be offset by the inevitable early cancerous death. Thus, I won't appear grizzled for very long.

***

Clearing out the stuff stored under my bed – I'm in the process of packing to move house – I come across an old English Lit essay accompanied by many files of notes. Then an old A4 refill pad. Oddly, both the A4 refill pad itself and the phrase "A4 refill pad" have become strange to me; how much life has changed since the glory days of academia!

***

Also, an old journal. An outdated concept indeed - imagine a blog, but on paper. This one begins at the end of 2003 and ends at the start of August 2005, with not all that much in between. One entry mentions that "The last official bare-knuckle fight was in 1889 between John L. Sullivan and Jake Kilrain." I always did love my trivia.

How jounalism works

"The novel by Herman Melville describes the voyage of a whaling ship as it hunts for the great whale Moby Dick. Narrator Ishmael tells the reader he has turned to the sea out of a feeling of alienation from human society."
He took name of classic loner, Daily Mirror, 20 April, p6

"The novel describes the voyage of the whaling ship Pequod, commanded by Captain Ahab, who leads his crew on a hunt for the great whale, Moby-Dick. Ishmael tells the reader that he has turned to the sea out of a feeling of alienation from human society."
Moby Dick, Wikipedia