Two observations

California Uber Alles

Yesterday I noticed for the first time the sinister fascist undertones of The Beach Boys song California Girls. What I once believed was a carefree ode to beautiful American females has suddenly turned into a right-wing anthem of ethnic cleansing. In the song, we hear of the protagonist's travels around the country and the world, with visits to a variety of exotic locations. But all he can think is "I wish they all could be California girls". It's a frightening thought: all nationalities, all cultures liquidised in favour of one master Californian race.

I put this to Kearns, who suggested the song could also be read as a call for a liberal immigration policy: the teller wishes they all had the opportunity to be California Girls. This is also possible. Either way, life will never be the same again.

Socksial healing

Say you have 12 pairs of socks and wear one pair a day. If you look at the life of one individual pair, you'll see that for 11 days of the 12-day cycle, that pair will be either be sitting in a dirty clothes basket, going through the washing and drying process, or spend its days lying in a drawer – ie doing nothing for at least 334 days of the year. Imagine the possibilities if we could somehow harness the power of these unused socks.

Official visit

So, on Friday, I "met" Sir Bob Geldof. The great man was paying a visit to our office, probably because he’d heard about some of the sterling work that I do. Annoyingly I didn’t get an official introduction, which I’m sure Sir Bob was extremely narked about – he certainly looked pretty grumpy. Just as he was leaving following his tour, he turned around and said to the ten of us sitting at our desks: "Well, nice to meet you all." And added, "I guess I'll see you in about ten years." Our laughter was disproportionately loud.

At that moment, he made direct eye contact with me, and something deeper than words passed between us: I could tell he was thinking something along the lines of "Parkhouse, I want you to know that Live 8, Band Aid and the work of the Boomtown Rats couldn’t have happened without your glorious input." And he could tell I was thinking something along the lines of, "Yes Bob, I know."

More artrage

Bounty hunter murders The Artist Formerly Known

as Prince in forest as frightened druids look on

Created in Artrage

It ain't heavy, it's Big Brother

Oh come on, how could I not watch the opening night of Celebrity Big Brother? First in was Michael Barrymore, who found the rapturous applause so hard to leave behind he was barely able to enter the house. Extraordinary how people can so wholeheartedly throw their support behind a stranger whose integrity is so clearly in question.

We also found out that one of Barrymore's phobias is clowns, which annoyed me. I have a phobia of people who say their phobia is clowns - I really don't believe them. When was the last time you actually saw a clown? That's what people who don't actually have real phobias say when they're scratching around for an answer. I think more likely is that Barrymore's phobia is a limelight powercut. His exile to New Zealand must have been hell. But once he was in the house, the man looked instantly at home, and each new housemate was like a courtier visiting his kingdom.

The first real surprise for me was the appearance of Preston, lead singer of The Ordinary Boys, a Morrissey-tongued band of nu-Britpop urchins from Bournemouth. If you want to catch up, download Talk Talk Talk - it's a great song. Anyway, Preston shot into the lead in my book when he managed to greet Barrymore with his own "awight?" catchphrase.

The most mouth-dropping moment came when MP for Bethnal Green George Galloway was announced; he arrived looking eerily calm. I began to wonder whether the Endemol kids hadn't heavily sedated him in the limo on the way there. He greeted actress Rula Lenska (whose preview tape included the unfortunate line, "If I could describe myself in three words? Passionate, fun, slightly eccentric") and the show finished with the most unlikely fragment of a line you could've hoped for: "... knew her from the old Nicaraguan Solidarity Campaign days..."


From the Electric Goose archives
- Kearns' hatred of Galloway
- More Big Brother bile

Praising Pollard

What do you mean you haven't heard of Robert Pollard or his band Guided by Voices? Anyway, my review of his new album From A Compound Eye is here.

Lessons learned: always see the support band

Wow, it's 2006 and we're fast approaching the five-year anniversary of the time I didn't see the second biggest band in the world. But I didn't care, because the only band on the bill that I really wanted to see was the mighty Campag Velocet.

Fortunately I ended up seeing Coldplay a few weeks later in Bristol's Fleece and Firkin, a pub which holds about 200. The band kept having to stop playing as the soundsystem kept breaking; a curly-haired Chris Martin maintained a steady stream of "is it working yet?" type banter with the soundman Dave. It's five years later and Coldplay's third album X&Y has been number one in 28 countries. Funny how things turn out.

All shall have prizes

The Alternative News Awards 2005 piece I did for Wanadoo has just been published. Read it here. By the way: Happy Christmas!

Artrageous

Battle of Trafalgar in pink

Created in Artrage

Lessons learned from... The Chronicles of Narnia

Turkish Delight is the confectionary of Satan.

Twenty-five great songs of 2005

The lists continue. This is getting slightly fanatical. But if you don’t try and define your year by thinking of things you like and putting them in order of preference, what the hell kind of a person are you? Having said that, my twenty-five tunes of 2005 are in no particular order whatsoever. If there’s any on this list you haven’t heard, go and download it now, for instant aural gratification (stop sniggering).

Oxygen – Willy Mason
I Predict a Riot – Kaiser Chiefs
Heavy Metal – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
BMFA – Martha Wainwright
Wake Up – Arcade Fire
Hoodie - Lady Sovereign
My Doorbell – White Stripes
Don’t Come Running – HAL
Fuck Forever – Babyshambles
Tied Up Too Tight – Hard-Fi
Moving to LA – Art Brut
Spit it Out – Brendan Benson
Mornings Eleven – Magic Numbers
I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet) – White Stripes
Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor – Arctic Monkeys
My Dead Wife – Absentee
Helicopter – Bloc Party
Rusted Guns – Art Brut
Mirror Kissers – The Cribs
Bucky Done Gun – MIA
Girl Wants (to Say Goodbye to) Rock and Roll – Go Home Productions (Christina Aguilera vs Velvet Underground)
My Sherona Formed a Band – Spoiler Boy (featuring Art Brut)
Chewing Gun – Annie
Crown of Love – Arcade Fire
Holiday - Green Day