Friday, January 06, 2006

It ain't heavy, it's Big Brother

Oh come on, how could I not watch the opening night of Celebrity Big Brother? First in was Michael Barrymore, who found the rapturous applause so hard to leave behind he was barely able to enter the house. Extraordinary how people can so wholeheartedly throw their support behind a stranger whose integrity is so clearly in question.

We also found out that one of Barrymore's phobias is clowns, which annoyed me. I have a phobia of people who say their phobia is clowns - I really don't believe them. When was the last time you actually saw a clown? That's what people who don't actually have real phobias say when they're scratching around for an answer. I think more likely is that Barrymore's phobia is a limelight powercut. His exile to New Zealand must have been hell. But once he was in the house, the man looked instantly at home, and each new housemate was like a courtier visiting his kingdom.

The first real surprise for me was the appearance of Preston, lead singer of The Ordinary Boys, a Morrissey-tongued band of nu-Britpop urchins from Bournemouth. If you want to catch up, download Talk Talk Talk - it's a great song. Anyway, Preston shot into the lead in my book when he managed to greet Barrymore with his own "awight?" catchphrase.

The most mouth-dropping moment came when MP for Bethnal Green George Galloway was announced; he arrived looking eerily calm. I began to wonder whether the Endemol kids hadn't heavily sedated him in the limo on the way there. He greeted actress Rula Lenska (whose preview tape included the unfortunate line, "If I could describe myself in three words? Passionate, fun, slightly eccentric") and the show finished with the most unlikely fragment of a line you could've hoped for: "... knew her from the old Nicaraguan Solidarity Campaign days..."

From the Electric Goose archives
- Kearns' hatred of Galloway
- More Big Brother bile


jpt said...

Not sure what the correct medical term is, but was a bit surpised Barrymore's biggest phobia wasn't getting-thrown-into-jail-for-horrendous-anal-rape-followed-by-murder-phobia.

Then again, maybe that's nothing compared to the fear he feels when he sees a clown.

kearns said...

hasn't galloway got more important things to do with his time? surely there's a fascist dictator somewhere in the world he hasn't praised yet. Or maybe he could find time in his busy terrorist-promoting schedule to visit his own constituency. i dont remember oona king swanning off for 3 weeks to massage her ego.

Will said...

I can't believe this post has generated more comment than such highbrow discussions on art and death. Maybe I should make this a Big Brother blog. Let's face it, I'll probably end up slumped in front of it at 10pm every night for the next three weeks. Sighs.

Theodor Adorno said...

I think Barrymore is more likely to be worried that someone might turn up dead in the Big Brother spa. But of course he'd know nothing about that. And the semen test would certainly prove nothing. That's the beauty of chlorine. It invalidates forensic testing. Watch out Pete. Barrymore is going to Strike It Lucky on your anus. That's unless the cunning stunts at Endemol reamimate Stewart Lubbock and slam him in as the secret housemate. But then again I'm not sure McCall, the self-elected Queen of Lowbrow, has the ability to raise the dead. God I pray for her demise. Just so that I can urinate on her grave while humming the classic theme tune by Oakenfeld. Only if I was listening to him I'd be pilled up beyond consciousness and incable of processing rational thought.

Jamie said...

P'raps this makes little sense to anyone other than Will, but I notice that The Ordinary Boys' bassist is called James Gregory. Coincidence?

Will said...

I knew the ne'erdowell would come good. Although perhaps playing bass in the Ordinary Boys is actually just part of his further decline.